Not To Bring Her Up Again, But…
Dear Fergie,
Now that I have admitted my secret, shameful love of your new song, I feel I should also express I have a beef with it. Specifically a beef with the lyrics.
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We’ll play jacks and uno cards
I’ll be your best friend and you’ll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
‘Cause I want to hold yours too
We’ll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
Lovers? LOVERS? You went from jacks and Valentines and hand holding to school yard shagging? REALLY? I gotta tell you, I think that’s pretty fucked up. Especially in a time when kids can get suspended from school practically for just THINKING about the opposite sex. Forget playing doctor, you’ve got them as LOVERS. What? Are they fucking under the slide at recess?
Oh, and by the way…
I was talking to Debbie Gibson last night (only in my dreams, don’t worry), and we were talking about her bad stint in the fragrance business, and totally out of the blue she started screaming about you! Turns out she’s seen your Candie’s ad, and she’s a bit pissed you stole the hat she wore in “Electric Youth” and are trying to pass that look as your own. She’d like to shake something, and it ain’t your love. I’m pretty sure it’s the shit out of you.
Fair warning,
MissDirected
