Miss Directed

Monday, June 30, 2008

Looking At Things Differently

You know, I know people are pretty down on Amy Winehouse these days. I mean, the girl’s a total mess, no doubt. I’ve read numerous reports about her trying to punch a fan at Glastonbury, and reports have ranged on the reasons being anything from the fan tried to touch the beehive to the fan insulted Blake Loser-Civil. But you know what? I can’t help but notice and give props to the fact that Amy Winehouse didn’t even stop singing when she attacked that fan. She didn’t miss a beat - just kept on slurring those words.

The show must go on, after all.

Slur on, girl.

Posted by amy t. @ 10:00 AM in • Imitation of Life · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Friday, June 27, 2008

Do You Know What Today Is?

Do you? If you don’t, you should be ashamed of yourself. It’s a very important day, after all. One which changed the world in a lovely way.

You see, today is the day that Ms. Pants was born. She brings beauty and laughter and dancing and love into every life she touches (unless it’s the life of someone on her shit list or who’s wearing an atrocious outfit), and I am a better person for knowing her.

Take the scenic route...

Posted by amy t. @ 09:49 AM in · (0) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Doing What I Can

Note: In this post, all caps actually represents yelling, unlike most of the time when I use it for emphasis because I’m too lazy to type in the coding for italics or bolding.

To all the exes of the world,

If you are, in fact, on pretty good terms with your ex, and you find yourself drunk and talking to them on the phone, and you are trying to get a good dig in while staying on good terms, perhaps you should avoid conversations like the following:

Ex1: (blah blah blah)... I wasted four years of my life on you…
Ex2: Fuck you.
Ex1: HaHA, fuck you.
Ex2: *Click*

(Aside: don’t you really miss being able to slam down the phone on someone? Pushing the off button just isn’t the same. There’s no release of rage. Oh well. At least with my slider phone I can slam the slidery bit down with force on my end, even if the hanging up noise doesn’t exist on the other end.)

Exes, if you do find yourself having just had the preceding conversation, there really is not much you can do to make it up that does not involve a large bottle of alcohol sent with apologies to the offended. That said, however, the following conversation is a good start to getting back in good graces.

Ex1: *calling*
Ex2: *rejects call*
Ex1: *calling*
Ex2: *rejects call*
Ex1: *calling*
Ex2: WHAT?
Ex1: I’m sorry. I was trying to be funny and it didn’t work out.
Ex2: No shit. That was MEAN AND UNCALLED FOR.
Ex1: I know, and I shouldn’t have said it, but you know it’s the furthest thing from the truth.
Ex2: YOU JACKASS! WAIT. WHAT? THAT COME BACK WENT A LONG WAYS TOWARD MAKING IT BETTER. GOOD JOB!

So you see, exes, you can recover from a blunder such as this, but your drunk ass needs to be quick on the draw with an apology and complimentary statement.

Sincerely,

MissDirected:
Doing my part to help out ~~exes~~ ~~idiots~~ MANkind.

Posted by amy t. @ 09:03 AM in • Dead Letter Office • Love & Heartache • Stick By 'Em, Stuck With 'Em · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Where's The Winter River Bridge When You Need It?

You are in a downward spiral of self hate, nearly gagging every time you see yourself in the mirror and wishing you could rip your own hair and skin clean off and emerge as someone else. Just when you think you can’t feel any worse, someone you love very dearly takes your knees out from under you by revealing what they really think about the kind of person you are. All you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and die and disappear, because the fact that they could ever think that about you makes you feel like you’ve got a giant hole in your chest.

And right now, when you really need someone to hear your silent screaming, you feel like you have nobody.

Posted by amy t. @ 05:03 PM in • Evaporated · (0) Trackbacks ·

Monday, June 09, 2008

Max, Can You Earmuff For Me?

I’m sick. AGAIN. My nose is doing that fun thing where it runs down your face but is totally stuffed up, and when you blow nothing comes out. Yesterday afternoon my ears started hurting. Not a big deal for me when I have a sinus infection. I’m always popping my ears through them. This time, however, my ears are totally stuffed and I can’t pop them. They’re too blocked up. I spent most of yesterday looking like I had tourettes because I was opening my jaw really wide (which sometimes pops my ears) over and over again. I held and blew out my nose until I was in tears and my face was so red it looked like an angry cartoon character, but to no avail. I am hearing things warped. I can barely hear my keyboard as I type, and I don’t have a quiet keyboard. I can’t tell if I’m whispering or shouting because I’m hearing my voice all inside my head. It’s like I have earmuffs on, but I lost the band that holds the muffs (heh) and the gods decided I should hold them on with a vice grip instead. I’m taking the second round of antibiotics my doctor gave me before my cruise, but they’re not working, and as of last night, I had a fever.

I’m just a barrel of sunshine (hahahah! I totally just typed that as sunshite, which might be more accurate) today.

Posted by amy t. @ 09:15 AM in • Bitchfest · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Friday, June 06, 2008

We'd Be So Rowdy Together At A Party

I was just talking to a coworker, and we were talking about the various advantages of shots vs. beer vs. mixed drinks. She said beer used to make her too full, so she’d take shots because they were easy. I told her I used to drink Long Island Iced Teas because I could have two over the course of the night and go home with a relatively small bar tab and having had a relatively boisterous night. She said she totally agreed. And then I spouted out this little bit of wisdom…

“When you think about it, two Long Island’s is really like having 10 shots for the price of 4.”

Poor drinkers everywhere, I am here to guide you my friends.

Posted by amy t. @ 03:40 PM in • For The Money • Hearsay • The Friday Files · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Okay, Okay, Fine.

For those interested in the actual recap of my trip OFF the boat, I’ll post one before Monday. God, Pat. You’re so freaking picky!

Posted by amy t. @ 12:29 PM in • Imitation of Life • Stick By 'Em, Stuck With 'Em · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

No Gang Colors Required!

I’ve had some really great vacations in my life. New Orleans with Sarah over Labor Day weekend. A 10-day tour of Scotland. T in the Park 2007. I’ve been on trips that I will remember forever, and I’ve got a new one to add to my list. Coming home from seven days sailing the Caribbean was hard, no doubt. I mean, I was totally bummed I didn’t have a cooked-to-order steak and a towel animal waiting for me when I got home last night. At midnight when I got the munchies, I couldn’t run down to Sorrento’s for some of the best pizza on the planet. Towels thrown on the floor remain there. And the view out of my window is a lot less beautiful. I never thought I’d say that the gorgeous places I was fortunate enough to visit on this trip would not be the best part. But they weren’t - not by far. The best part was life after we set sail each day - because that’s when we met up each night.

Take the scenic route...

We were a hodge podge, to be sure. Different ages, different cities, just different. It started when I stalked them, really. Sunday night when we first set sail, I felt a bit ill, so I went to bed early, but I refused to spend my entire vacation holed up in my room. Monday night I ventured out armed only with the knowledge that there was karaoke happening and that there were about 20 bars on the boat, so surely I could find something going on somewhere. I had time to kill between dinner and karaoke, so I went to the Bull & Bear. I figured it was a good sign that there was a bar on the boat with the same name as one of my locals. Turns out I was right. I saw a rowdy bunch in the bar. I noted them. I had one drink, and then I headed to karaoke. A few minutes later, in walked the group from the B&B, and two others later joined them. After karaoke that started kinda slow but ended with a bang thanks to Dirk Diggler, a slew of Puerto Rican girls, and a very loud crew from Knoxville, I decided to venture to the ship’s club, The Crypt. I walked in a few minutes behind the group from karaoke. I proceeded to get drunk, and then I made first contact by apologizing for stalking their group. By night’s end, I’d been inducted in and had been formally introduced to most of the group - Brandon, Ryan, Shayna, and Sara. It took another day for me to be introduced to Raz, and even longer to discover that his friend was Matt. There wasn’t a night after that on the boat where we weren’t together. We drank, we danced, we drank, we danced, we laughed, we drank, we danced, we bonded.

Wednesday night I met Elisa. She was sitting at the bar alone, just as I had been for most of the night Monday. We bonded over our shared appreciation of Jose, the best bartender aboard, and by Crypt’s closing she was one of us. We had some other folks that made cameos around us (Chris, Wade, Joel, Texas Squared, the Canadians, and Lawrence), and we had a blast together.

We came from all across the country - California, Florida, Texas, and Maryland. I was the oldest by a few years, but neither that nor the fact that I was nearly 30 and traveling with my parents tarnished this great group’s impression of me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a big group of friends - since college really - and I now know I miss it. I know it may seem more than a little strange to say that I’m really missing a group of people I didn’t even know two weeks ago, but sitting in my apartment the other night they were heavy in my thoughts. We shared a lot in a short time.

We people watched, we danced til 4 a.m., we hung out until the wee hours in the hot tubs, we laughed together… we made memories. When I lost my purse and came to them crying, these guys worked at helping me find it - and not just while I was standing there. No, they took time out of their night of fun to help me out while I was waiting in line at guest services trying to invade the lost and found. My purse had been found, and when I walked back out to the deck party, I found Elisa, Ryan, Brandon, Shayna and Sara taking the hunt into their own hands. It was really hard not to start crying I was so touched by what they were doing. I somehow managed to keep my cool, however, and we put our party hats back on and partied our asses off on that wobbly, slick deck (it had rained that night and the boat was really rocking) and then finished off our night in Olive or Twist (a brilliantly named club, if you ask me). With the exception of that night we spent all of our late nights in The Crypt. If I had to come up with a name for our crew, it would definitely be The Crypt Keepers.

So who are these people that made such an impression on me? Let’s find out.

Shayna is that girl. You know the one I mean. The one that is so cute you totally want to hate her, but then you find out she’s sweet and sincere and you just can’t help but like her instantly.

Sara is the very first cool Sara-without-an-h I’ve ever met. She is genuine and sweet and always has a big smile on her face. She’s so great that I even let the fact that she went home early one night TO READ on a CRUISE SHIP where there were HOT BOYS and DRINKING slide by with barely a sarcastic remark. For those reading that know me, that’s impressive.

I didn’t get to know Raz all that well (by the way, it’s pronounced Rahz). In fact, we didn’t really talk much until the last night, which kinda makes me sad. He’s a cool guy, and he doesn’t get upset when you call him on his bullshit. In fact, when I called him on his bullshit I was told that I had a friend in California if I ever made it out there. He’s my kind of people.

Matt was kind of a mystery at the start of the trip. Whenever I asked about him I got, “I think his name might be… Matt?” He was quiet and standoffish in the beginning, and then one night he started dancing with me and then stealing drinks from all my beers (or trying to steal my beers in general). Matt is a very sweet guy with (and I can’t believe I’m gonna put this in print because he may read it, but…) a banging body (thank you, Marines!) What he lacks in rhythm he more than makes up for in enthusiasm (on the dance floor, you dirty-minded readers!), and contrary to my mental impression of most Marines, he can follow as long as you guide him. I was vocal about lots of crushes on the boat, but Matt was my secret one.

Ryan… oh, Ryan. A social butterfly (and I mean that in a very manly way, of course) if ever there was one. He was always flitting around talking to people (although he never flitted far from Shayna, and together they were so cute you had to control your gag reflex). He’s that guy you know at home that runs into someone they know EVERYWHERE you go. He’s a great guy with a great energy, and he’s a guy I am glad I got to know and hope to continue knowing.

Elisa and I shared a lot of fun on this short trip. We have the same basic taste in men, the same ability to charm bartenders, the same taste in clothes (we totally bought the same shirt on the trip without knowing it), and the same sense of snark. She was my drinking buddy, my boy watcher, my sister aboard. She is that gorgeous girl with great hair that somehow never seems to make you feel like the shlumpy friend, which is a seriously rare feat. Elisa totally made me wish I’d moved out to Miami when I had the chance. I’m hoping we stay in touch, because I totally dig her.

And finally, as if I don’t have enough Brandon’s in my life’s story, I have another one to add. This Brandon, who I guess will be dubbed Brandito (sorry, but I really do have a lot of Brandons), is totally the younger brother I never even knew I wished I had (did that make any sense at all?). He was the youngest of our bunch in age, but his insights into people and his level of maturity made me mostly forget our ten-year age difference (at least until we had to buy him drinks on the down low). He was my main dance partner, and we frequently ran up and down the stairs to find each other during certain songs. He made sure I let loose the young-at-heart girl from my not-so-young body, and I know this cruise would have been much less interesting without him by my side.

These are the people that made this a great trip for me. I know I’ll never forget them (and I have over 100 pictures from our last night to ensure that), and I’ll always remember…

Where’s the lemon? ~ CONNOR! CONNOR! ~ The looooooong intro version of “I Want You To Want Me” ~ In Baltimore, we know how to DANCE! ~ It’s great that European’s have very few body issues, but maybe they should remember that WE may have issues with their bodies. ~ 7403 (seriously – I tried so hard to remember that room number it will be in my mind forever) ~ I am pretty sure Soulja Boy invented that dance as a joke to see how many white people he could get doing it. ~ Prince ~ Joel and all his drama ~ Alejandro, this girl is like, TOTALLY in love with you! ~ Hip Hop Class ~ There’s no point in laying out. It’s boring. Okay, well, how about we lay out and you sit and talk with us. Oh, okay, that’s fine. ~ I HATE THIS DJ! ~ Pink dress girl ~ The boots with the fur, WITH THE FUR! ~ The Canadians – America’s Asshats (nothing against most Canadians, this bunch were just asshats) ~ She’s mad at you for playing games, so now she’s… playing games? Nice ~ You know what comes from Texas, right? Great tits? ~ Blah blah blah GASOLINA! ~ Late night sandwiches ~ You’re magical! ~ Pulling into port in Miami ~ and tons more.

To my fellow Crypt Keepers, I meant what I said when we had our last group shot together – Thank God for you guys, because this trip would have sucked without you.

...back to the highway.

Posted by amy t. @ 07:24 AM in • Imitation of Life • Stick By 'Em, Stuck With 'Em · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

I'm Back, and I'm TAN.

Back from holiday, but not yet ready to be. Working on the post mortem of my trip, which will actually be more the length of a novella than a blog post, but whatever. I’m tan, and that’s all that matters. Did you hear me? I’M TAN! There are those in the world that didn’t believe it was possible. In response, I mentally flash my tan lines at you. So there! Working 4-10s this week at work, which sucks, but at least the interns have started.

I’ll try to put up the post mortem and all the pictures in the next day or so.

Posted by amy t. @ 04:51 PM in • Imitation of Life · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Off Into The Sunset

Sorry I’ve been missing again this week. I’ve had the death again. I thought karma was actually being kind by getting me sick a full week before I left for vacation, but it was all a ruse. I got sick, got meds, felt better, and then crashed into a worse sickness. This week was kind of stupid. Monday I was off thanks to our new summer hours, Tuesday I worked but missed some time for a doctor’s appointment, Wednesday I called in sick, Thursday I was actually at work for the full 10 hours, and yesterday I lasted until 10 before I came home sick again. I got a new round of horse pill strength antibiotics from my doctor, and I start those this morning.

Tonight I head out to my mom and dad’s for our big family adventure. We leave even before ass o’clock tomorrow - 5 a.m. The boat leaves at 5 p.m. from Miami on Sunday. I’m looking forward to a full week of sun and fresh air. I don’t know if I’ll have computer access, but if I do I’ll try to check in here and let you know what a fabulous time I’m having seeing marine life and getting a tan. I’m looking most forward to water you can actually see into. I mean, here we have Galveston Bay, where you walk in up to your ankles and can no longer see your toes. No joke.

Well, okay. In case I don’t check in for a while, have a fabulous Memorial Day and a great week!

Posted by amy t. @ 08:20 AM in • Imitation of Life • Stick By 'Em, Stuck With 'Em · (0) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Summer Hours = Hell Hours

Oh holy fuck it’s early.

Posted by amy t. @ 06:08 AM in · (1) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Friday, May 16, 2008

Continuing The FUN!

So this morning I’m standing outside our company president’s office talking to his assistant, who I love dearly. And we start talking about our new summer schedule and how it means really long days four days a week. Wait. Let me back up or this won’t make sense.

During several weeks of my silence on this site, I was busting ass on some studies our company was hired by the Air Force to write. Engineers, as a group, are not great writers, and they love to create their own wacky formatting styles. The shortest of these reports was 60 pages, the longest 140. I had four days for each report to read, edit, format, and ship. This might not have been a big deal, except that I don’t particularly understand Air Force facilities and the equipment used in them, nor do I understand mechanical or electrical engineering in any way. You can understand why it may take me a while to plod through one of these reports. There were three over three weeks. The last one, 119 pages long, I got Wednesday at 4:00 and it shipped Friday at 7. I clocked 162 hours in three weeks, which if you’re keeping track is 42 extra hours. I worked from home until late (midnight was considered an EARLY night) almost every night. I functioned on adderall, iced tea, and Applebee’s lunches (ours by work is never that crowded and I could spread out my stuff on a big table and be left alone for editing). After it was all over, I sent thank yous to the two head guys I did the editing for to thank them for letting me work on the project and telling them how much I enjoyed it (I really did - it was nice to use my brain in ways my college education intended for once). My manager and VP also got thank yous for lending me out to the engineering department. Nobody responded to me at all.

So. Back to the point. Summer hours, long days, blah blah blah. I start bitching that nobody said anything to me at all - no “Good Job!” or “Thanks for your help!” Then we moved on. At 11, I got a summons to the president’s office. My stomach dropped. When I got to the cracked door, I could see my manager sitting inside. My stomach took up residence somewhere around my knees. When I pushed open the door, I was met by the president, my manager, my VP, the marketing VP and the contracts manager (those last two are the guys that got thank yous). I stepped on my stomach as I walked through that door.

Turns out, I got an award. I got a nice memo from the president saying how I’d gone above and beyond and how lucky our company is to have an employee such as myself. I got a copy of an email full of praise from the contracts manager, who I worked most closely with, that was sent to HR and the president upon completion of the project. And I got a nice bonus check, which couldn’t have come at a better time, since I’m going traveling and need some extra spending cash! WOOOOOOO! BONUS CHECK!

As I get back to my desk and IM my girls and call my folks, I read my award. Proving what I said about engineers, it reads:

In Recognition and Appreciation of
the significant contribution made by
MissDirected
is awarded the 911 Award.

Gotta love engineers.

Posted by amy t. @ 10:20 AM in • For The Money · (2) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Fun Fun FUN!

My life has been on a path lately that is leading me towards a plethora of fun.

Last weekend I spent Mother’s Day with my mom (shocker!), and we planned all of our excursions for our cruise. Our cruise! The one we leave for in NINE days! We have so much scheduled fun ahead of us on that cruise that I’ll need a vacation when I get back just to rest up. In Haiti my mom and I are doing the world’s longest zip line - just about half a mile. I think we’re also going on some snorkel thing there as a family. When we get to Grand Cayman, we’re doing some more family snorkeling over a coral reef and a ship wreck, then my parents are off to shop while I go swim with the stingrays - something that’s making my father supremely nervous, you know, because of “that alligator guy.” Then it’s off to Jamaica. I really wanted to go cliff diving there, but the port we’re going into is not really all that known for cliff diving, so instead my mom and I are doing the Chukka Canopy Experience (I love that it’s an experience), which basically (I think) amounts to a big ass ropes course through the trees. Totally right up my ally. When we get to Cozumel, my dad is going fishing and my mom and I are going to swim with the dolphins. I didn’t feel like we could do this cruise without some dolphin play (that sounded a bit dirty, don’tcha think?), so even though it’s the most costly thing available, we’ll be riding Flipper. (Now THAT sounded dirty.) After that, we’ve plunked down a small sum to go to some beach. PAY to go to THE BEACH!?! you say. Why yes! Because this beach includes a buffet, a water trampoline (I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds so fun), and most importantly, an open bar.

See? I’ll need a few days off when I get home just to recuperate.

In additional fun news, the wonderful Jerilyn is coming to town this weekend for some girlie fun with Pants and myself. We will be celebrating the elusive Marchmas, which was our way of bailing out of buying gifts for each other around Christmas due to stress and money constraints. Well, now it’s May. We’re only two months behind! Anyway, nothing could be better than a weekend of girls, shopping, and presents, in my opinion.

And in even MORE fun news, I bought my ticket to Wichita yesterday. I know most people just went, “Wichita, really?” but yes, I enjoy Wichita. Mostly because the wonderful BCoop resides there. See, he’s turning 30 in October, and I must be there for the festivities, so as soon as my economic stimulus check arrived, I stimulated the economy by buying a ticket. Good thing, too, as tickets have gone up almost $50 in the last month. I’m already excited and it’s months away!

And while this may not seem like fun to anyone but me, I have successfully purchased, painted, and mounted (heh) two shelves in my apartment. This may not seem like a big deal, but I have problems hanging things straight. I bought a real level this time (because while laser levels give you a straight line, that straight line is not automatically level). I have noticed that one of the shelves seems a bit slanted, but upon re-inspection - and by that I mean I climbed back up on the ladder and put the level against the wall on the shelf - it appears the board is just warped a bit. Nothing to be done there. Anyway, the shelves are mounted quite high, which made getting them even both horizontally and vertically a big challenge, especially since I was doing it alone and had nobody to help me hold the shelves while I marked where the wall anchors needed to go and all that jazz. And I did all that on a ladder. WITHOUT DYING. So yes. Shelves are up, shot glasses are on them, and they look pretty darn good. I plan on buying the wood for the makeshift mantel today, so it can be painted and up by weekend’s end. The brackets for that are already mounted over my fireplace.

I am one handy bitch. And I do it all without a drill.

Posted by amy t. @ 08:06 AM in • Imitation of Life • Stick By 'Em, Stuck With 'Em • The Friday Files · (0) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Monday, May 12, 2008

Just Another Reason I Love My Dad

Yeah, I’d really like to have some color before we leave, but I’ll settle for coming home with color. My doctor says I need to wear sunscreen all the time and I should put it on twice a day. He’s been telling me that since my skin cancer, which you’ll probably get, by the way. So yeah. I figure I will… after this trip.

I know it was Mother’s Day, but my dad made my day with that comment.

Posted by amy t. @ 04:32 PM in • Hearsay • Stick By 'Em, Stuck With 'Em · (0) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Saturday, May 10, 2008

And Everthing Nice

Ah, Kingwood. Land of my childhood. As places go these days, it’s a pretty good place to raise kids. But sometimes I have to wonder about we Kingwood kids.

First, we made the Letterman Top Ten list for being the second snobbiest high school in America (based on the cars in the parking lot).

Next, we had some teens that were burning down houses of teachers they didn’t like. One lived on my street, and her house burned to the ground.

Then, we brought you these lovely girls, and shortly after, the movie based on their crime spree, that critically acclaimed hit, Sugar & Spice. Okay fine. So “critically acclaimed” is pushing it a bit, but when was the last time a movie was made about you, huh?

And now… Now we bring you these fine upstanding youths. Kids who disturb me greatly, and yet kids who I have to at least give points to for creativity. Well, maybe point, not points, because seriously, EW.

Kingwood, land of my past, maybe some of your wealthier residents should invest some money into finding things for the town’s youngsters to do. There is nothing available to entertain kids there, and so for years we have been forced to create our own fun.

Look how well that’s working out, eh?

Posted by amy t. @ 03:16 AM in • Imitation of Life · (2) Comments · (0) Trackbacks ·

Page 1 of 103 pages 1 2 3 > Last »